the reason why

salam aidilfitri!

chewah...macam artis giteww. hahahah...ada saki baki kegembiraan ni kita balun je la kan.

Tahun ni ramai jugak org yg dtg rumah aku..Alhamdulillah. hopefully semua yg datang tak balik dgn lapar..sbb kesian tau balik dr beraya masih lapar. Sebenarnya raya ke 3 aritu aku berjalan sakan dgn en hubby..tapi semua cuma makan kuih raya n air gas. mau tak masuk angin kan perut tu? hahaha..nasib la mlm tu pergi umah Ucu aku. Sedap betul belasah ikan kering sepat n asam pedas cencaru. jumpa plak urap pucuk ubi. fuhh...jahanam diet aku.

One of my besties dtg rumah..lama tak jumpa dia. dulu dtg rumah tgh memboyot 2nd child, tahun ni dah berlari pun budak tu. borak punya borak, terkeluar isu Jamuan Buka Puasa geng2 kitaorg. dia tanya kenapa aku dah tak pergi lagi.

aku pun termenung nak jawab soalan tu. Lastly aku kata ..

" Aku tak sanggup nak tgk dari jauh time kita beratur bg duit raya kat budak2 tu...sebab dari tahun ke tahun bilangan diaorang bertambah. Tapi takde sorang pun drpd bebudak tu aku punya. Aku tak sanggup nak bergambar sesama kita tapi aku sorang je yg tak mengelek anak. Waktu aku dikelilingi hingar budak2 kecik tu waktu yang aku rasa paling sunyi. Sunyi sesunyinya."

*untuk beberapa saat ktorg terdiam. cuma dgr bunyi ikan goreng dalam kuali.*

ko paham tak? maybe tak. tak apa...it's okay.

what if...

"Only you know when you are ready to have a child" - Private Practice season 4.

Yeah, I know TVland don't always provide truth. but sometimes it rings a bell.

Really? You really can know if you are ready to have kids? biological or adoptive...only you can have the answer. Really? please enlighten me.

I think I am ready. But if I am why my body isn't? What if I am not actually ready...that's why I am not granted with any kid of my own. I do believe mind and body don't connect...no matter how positive you might prep you mind to face a bad situation. so my mind says i am ready..but my body says it needs more time.

I don't know. I was in a middle of a heated argument with my loved one recently...it made me think. Is it because we haven't changed like most married couple do that we come as 'not ready' yet. i have my bad traits..he has his own. It's so hard to change things that is so deeply embedded in your personality (strong-headedness, loud) that you feel if you change it you're not you anymore. We still enjoy late nights out and staying in till noon in bed ..we still have brunch instead of b'fast...we still do what we enjoy do during our bachelor years..does it make us 'not ready' in other people eyes? do all the things we do in lives show that we don't want or aren't suitable for kids?

*sigh* I always hear new parents say that once you have kids you will make a 180 degree turn in lifestyles. so do i need to have kids to turn a new leaf? I mean having kids can actually make you a better person, yes? In that case I might need a kid to change me to better person. I am quite pessimistic with this whole biological kids due  to some unfortunate setback...but I am totally partial of having adoption kids. Adopting a kid in order to strike some luck to be pregnant or to change you to a better person sounds so selfish. not to mention unfair to the kid..imagine people using you as a ticket to get pregnant. I don't know.. I feel so torn and I am confuse.

Maybe I am being so hard on myself. Maybe i am very analytical on making desicions. I really want to make this relationship works...the thought of us heading for saperate ways scares me. I truly cant visualise having to love somebody that isn't your truly own. but what if it is the answer to save ourselves? I need help!

is it or is it not?

it 's late. for the second time.

14 days to be exact. the first time, i tested and it was -ve. i was devastated. it changed my whole faith on having a family altogether. how can your body played tricks on you??

scared to take the test. scared that the heartbreak repeats. i might lose myself.

why can't i be normal like other people?